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Current counts: Authors: 8,146. Quotations: 38,970
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| Art Buchwald
A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it. An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn’t know any women.As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was. Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television? I have always wanted to write a pornographic book but I get so excited
doing the research that I can never get around to the book.I worship the quicksand he walks in. If you attack the establishment long enough and hard
enough, they will make you a member of it.In this country, when you attack the Establishment, they don't
put you in jail or a mental institution. They do something worse.
They make you a member of the Establishment.It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high
school.It is an honorable calling that you have chosen. Some of you will soon be
defending poor, helpless insurance companies who are constantly being sued
by greedy, vicious widows and orphans trying to collect on their policies.
Others will work tirelessly to protect frightened, beleaguered oil companies
from being attacked by depraved consumer groups.Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope. People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him. Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.Television has a real problem. They have no page two. The best things in life aren’t things.The mold out of which good skiers are cast in usually plaster of Paris.This is not an easy time for humorists because the
government is far funnier than we are.War is too serious a business to be left to computers.We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great.Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it. |
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