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| Calvin Trillin
Americans drive across the country as if someone's chasing them.
-As far as I'm concerned, whom is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. Even today, well-brought-up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all veggies for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth. Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense. Health food makes me sick.I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still. If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?It happens to be a matter of record that I was first in print with the discovery that the tastelessness of the food offered in American clubs varies in direct proportion to the exclusiveness of the club. Keeping off a large weight loss is a phenomenon about as common in American medicine as an impoverished dermatologist. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into magazines these days is this: under the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment, is smelling up the place a constitutionally protected form of expression? |
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