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| Craig Kilborn
A controversial new book claims that John Kerry laughed while burning enemy
villages and slaughtering animals. I don't buy it ‹ Kerry laughing?A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II'As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are
emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like
where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine
physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right
after Election Day.Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes
in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to
raise taxes when you are not president.CBS doesn't know what to do about the miniseries called 'The Reagans' that depicts them as a dysfunctional family of drug users and sex fiends. I'm suggesting they just call it the 'Clintons.' Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.' Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down. Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented.Donald Trump proposed to his girlfriend. I can just see the vows now: "Do
you promise to love, cherish and never turn 30?"In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of
Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard
troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series. Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service
has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.It was reported that the Clintons plan on selling their home in Chappaqua. There's already a plaque on the couch that says The President Slept Here. Joe Piscopo announced he's running for governor. And all of New Jersey is
asking, can we just keep the gay guy?John Kerry says he has a plaque on his desk that reads "The Buck Stops Here"
and his wife has a plaque that says "The Other 2 Billion Stops Here."Kerry said the ads hurt him deeply and emotionally then asked, 'Does that
make me eligible for any kind of medal?New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off. People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife. President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He
came up with a snappy new slogan — to drill where no man has drilled
before.President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. I think he is getting a
little cocky. Instead of playing Hail to the Chief, he was lowered to the
podium to 'We are the Champions.'President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember
the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up
was a stain?President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said,
I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one."President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic
numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs.
Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.President Bush spent the night calling world leaders to support the war
with Iraq, and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling,
'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.'
Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him.
Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the
polls.Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch. Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a do's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman. The Bush campaign has denied involvement in the Swift Boat ad saying that
the president has spent his entire life avoiding anything having to do with
Vietnam.The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock
ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox
News.The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In
fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit
for good news that I didn't even make up?'This was nice, President Bush wished the Iraqis God's grace on their road
to democracy. And then Vice President Cheney told them to go
F-themselves.Today the search engine Google went public with stock. The move made the
founders of the company over $3 billion dollars. To give you an idea of how
much money that is? It would take Donald Trump two weeks to lose that amount
of money. |
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