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Dave Barry

b: Armonk, New York, 0, 1947

American. Humorist. Journalist. Syndicated columnist, Miami Herald, 1983-; won Pulitzer, 1988.

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A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today .. and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a type of weevil.

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.

In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.

Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz.

Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base.

The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

The reason it's called Grape Nuts is that it contains dextrose, which is also sometimes called grape sugar, and also because Grape Nuts is catchier, in terms of marketing, than A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel, which is what it tastes like.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.