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Current counts: Authors: 8,146. Quotations: 38,970
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| Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 p.m. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch. A vice president in an advertising agency is a molehill man who has until 5 PM to make a molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch. An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star. I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy. I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines. Imitation is the sincerest form of television. Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done. The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret. The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter. You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. |
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