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Groucho Marx


  • A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

  • A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

  • A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

  • A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

  • Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

  • Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

  • Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

  • Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

  • Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. (from the movie, A Day At The Races)

  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

  • I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

  • I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

  • I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  • I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

  • I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  • I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

  • I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  • I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

  • I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

  • I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening--but this wasn't it.

  • Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

  • Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

  • Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

  • Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

  • Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

  • Room service? Send up a larger room.

  • She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

  • She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

  • The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

  • There is only one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked.

  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

  • Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

  • Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

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