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Mark Twain

Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), better known by his pen name Mark Twain, was a famous and popular American humorist, novelist, writer and lecturer.

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"Classic." a book which people praise and don't read.

"High wages" and "low wages" are phrases that don't mean anything in the world until you find out which of them will buy the most!

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

... the citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor.

... the ordinary run of newspaper criticism will not do to depend upon. ... Pay no attention to the papers, but watch the audience.

...gratitude is a debt which usually goes on accumulating like blackmail; the more you pay, the more is exacted. In time, you are made to realize that the kindness done you is become a curse and you wish it had not happened.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

A man is accepted into church for what he believes – and turned out for what he knows.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

A man may have no bad habits and have worse.

A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be led by the nose.

A man should not be without morals; it is better to have bad morals than none at all.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt.

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

A soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty.

A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

A youth who can't hit a cathedral at thirty yards with a Gatling gun in three-quarters of an hour, can take up an old empty musket and bag his grandmother every time, at a hundred.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Adam was but human – this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Adam, man's benefactor – he gave him all he has ever received that was worth having – Death.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" – a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence - and then success is sure.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.

An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.

An inglorious peace is better than a dishonorable war.

Anybody can hit a relative, but a Gatling gun won't get a burglar.

Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

Armaments were not created chiefly for the protection of nations but for their enslavement.

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.

Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" – which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and – watch that basket!"

Better a broken promise than none at all.

But it was ever thus, all through my life: whenever I have diverged from custom and principle and uttered a truth, the rule has been that the hearer hadn't strength of mind enough to believe it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

By and by when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall all be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. another man's, I mean.

Carlyle said, "a lie cannot live"; it shows he did not know how to tell them.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Change is the hand maiden that Nature requires to do her miracles with.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise.

Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.

Courage is resistance to fear; mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie - I found that out.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more – restful.

Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins, the inexpired remainder is worth four dollars a minute.

Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man.

Each person is born with one possession which outvalues all his others – his last breath.

Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by, you only regret that you didn't see him do it.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.

Few of us can stand prosperity. another man's, I mean.

Few sinners are saved after the first 20 minutes of a sermon.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

First catch your Boer, then kick him.

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.

Forget and forgive. This is not difficult, when properly understood. It means that you are to forget inconvenient duties, and forgive yourself for forgetting. In time, by rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

God has put something noble and good into every heart His hand created.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.

He had had much experience of physicians, and said "the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not."

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits.

History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot.

History, although sometimes made up of the few acts of the great, is more often shaped by the many acts of the small.

Honesty is often the best policy, but sometimes the appearance of it is worth six of it.

How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Hunger is the handmaid of genius.

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religous faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

I am a border-ruffian from the State of Missouri. I am a Connecticut Yankee by adoption. In me you have Missouri morals, Connecticut culture; this, gentlemen, is the combination which makes the perfect man.

I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

I am different from Washington. I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.

I am no lazier now than I was forty years ago, but that is because I reached the limit forty years ago. You can't go beyond possibility.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am the entire human race compacted together. I have found that there is no ingredient of the race which I do not possess in either a small way or a large way.

I am the human race compacted and crammed into a single suit of clothes but quite able to represent its entire massed multitude in all its moods and inspirations.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.

I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I do not insist upon the special supremacy of rag money or hard money. The great fundamental principle of my life is to take any kind I can get.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

I got so frustrated with the infernal contraption that I traded it for a dog, and shot the dog.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. all I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.

I have traveled more than anyone else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

I recommend myself as a safe man – a man who starts from the basis of total depravity and proposes to be fiendish to the last.

I think a compliment ought always to precede a complaint, where one is possible, because it softens resentment and insures for the complaint a courteous and gentle reception.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. also, sinful. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

I was born modest; not all over, but in spots.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.

I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.

If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve the man but deteriorate the cat.

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

If this nation has ever trusted in God, that time has gone by; for nearly a half century almost its entire trust has been in the Republican party and the dollar – mainly the dollar.

If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people.

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the difference between dog and man.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.

In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

In India, cold weather is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.

In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.

In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

It ain't the part of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native american criminal class except Congress.

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.

It is agreed, in this country, that if a man can arrange his religion so that it perfectly satisfies his conscience, it is not incumbent on him to care whether the arrangement is satisfactory to anyone else or not.

It is always the way; words will answer as long as it is only a person's neighbor who is in trouble, but when that person gets into trouble himself, it is time that the King rise up and do something.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them. She is always a novelty; for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time.

It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right.

It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good – and less trouble.

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that make horseraces. (from "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar," 1894)

It is not worth while to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible.

It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

It is only circumstances and environment that make burglars, therefore anybody is liable to be one. I don't quite know how I have managed to escape myself.

It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbor adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of his'n to threaten our light. There is no limit to this soundness but the sky.

It is wiser to find out than suppose.

It is your human environment that makes climate.

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race.

It was not that adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have been better for us – oh infinitely better for us – if the serpent had been forbidden.

It was wonderful to find america, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.

Just the omission of Jane austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Let me make the superstititions of a nation and I do not care who makes its laws or its songs either.

Let us adopt geological time, then time being money, – there will be no more poverty.

Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji.

Let us be grateful to adam our benefactor. He cut us out of the "blessing" of idleness and won for us the "curse" of labor.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

Let us not be too particular. It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all.

Let us save the tomorrows for work.

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it won't be allowed.

Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the under dog in the fight – this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one – this is business.

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Man has not a single right which is the product of anything but might.

Man is the Only animal that Blushes. Or needs to.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

My axiom is, to succeed in business: avoid my example.

My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got.

My idea is that the employer should be the busy man and the employee the idle one. The employer should be the worried man, and the employee the happy one.

My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men than when I went in.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.

Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink – under any circumstances.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

No man or woman knows what perfect love is, until they have been married a quarter of a century.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain pen, or half its cussedness, but we can try.

Not until you become a stranger to yourself will you be able to make acquaintance with the Friend.

Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.

Nothing is so ignorant as man's left hand, except a lady's watch.

Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant, and if it can be baked in a cake and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

October is one of those dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, april, November, May, March, June, December, august, and February.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.

On the whole it is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

Once you put it down, you can't pick it up.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth.

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".

Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the loudest.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author.

Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.

Public servant: Persons chosen by the people to distribute the graft.

Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's, concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

SaTaN (impatiently) to NEW-COMER. The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous.

Senator: Person who makes laws in Washington when not doing time.

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.

Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute – but they all worship money.

Some of us cannot be optimists, but all of us can be bigamists.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Spending one's capital is feeding a dog on his own tail.

Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the numbers left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Taking the pledge will not make bad liquor good, but it will improve it.

That George could refrain from telling the lie is not the remarkable feature, but that he could do it off-hand, that way.

The autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.

The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

The course of free love never runs smooth. I suppose we have all tried it.

The difference between the truth and almost the truth is like the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.

The English are mentioned in the Bible: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

The government is merely a servant – merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.

The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

The human race consists of the dangerously insane and such as are not.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

The kingly office is entitled to no respect. It was originally procured by the highwayman's methods; it remains a perpetuated crime, can never be anything but the symbol of a crime. It is no more entitled to respect than is the flag of a pirate.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

The law dresses a convict in a garb which makes him easily distinguishable from any moving thing in the world at a hundred and twenty-five yards, except a zebra.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

The man that sets out to carry a cat by it's tail learns something that will always be useful and which will never grow dim or doubtful.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds.

The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit.

The New York papers have long known that no large question is ever really settled until I have been consulted.

The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything.

The old saw says, "Let a sleeping dog lie." Right. Still, when there is much at stake it is better to get a newspaper to do it.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

The principal difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy – give one and take ten.

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are right.

The Public is merely a multiplied me.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.

The real yellow peril: Gold.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

The skin of every human being contains a slave.

The spirit of wrath – not the words – is the sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing. We begin to swear before we can talk.

The timid man yearns for full value and demands a tenth. The bold man strikes for double value and compromises on par.

The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

There are eight hundred and sixty-nine different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

There are people who think that honesty is always the best policy. This is a superstition; there are times when the appearance of it is worth six of it.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow. Yet it was the schoolboy who said, "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

There is a Moral Sense, and there is an Immoral Sense. History shows us that the Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it, and that the Immoral Sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it.

There is an old-time toast which is golden for its beauty. When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend.

There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort.

There is no distinctly american criminal class, except Congress.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.

There is no such thing as "the Queen's English." The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares!

There is nothing comparable to the endurance of a woman. In military life she would tire out an any army of men, either in camp or on the march.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

There isn't a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had had its rights.

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy and a tragedy.

There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him; if he says yes, you know he is crooked.

Therein lies the defect of revenge: it's all in the anticipation; the thing itself is a pain, not a pleasure; at least the pain is the biggest end of it.

These wisdoms are for the luring of youth toward high moral altitudes. The author did not gather them from practice, but from observation. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature Congressman.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except for heaven and hell, and I have only a vague curiosity as concerns one of those.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.

True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Truth is our most valuable commodity – let us economize.

Truth is stranger than fiction – to some people, but I am measurably familiar with it.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may kick it about all day, like a football, and it will be round and full at evening.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

We all do no end of feeling, and we mistake it for thinking.

We all know about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles.

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.

We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it.

We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.

We can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.

We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter.

We must have a standing army, and a navy. Taxes follow, as a matter of course.

We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world.

What a good thing adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

What is the difference about a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

What is there that confers the noblest delight? What is that which swells a man's breast with pride above that which any other experience can bring to him? Discovery! To know that you are walking where none others have walked.

When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

When I was a boy of 14 my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learnt in seven years.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.

When we do not know a person – and also when we do – we have to judge his size by the size and nature of his achievements, as compared with the achievements of others in his special line of business – there is no other way.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

When your watch gets out of order you have a choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief.

Where prejudice exists it always discolors our thoughts.

Who are the oppressors? The few: the king, the capitalist, and a handful of other overseers and superintendents. Who are the oppressed? The many the workers; they that make the bread that the soft-headed and idle eat.

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to stick to the possibilities.

Words are only painted fire; a book is the fire itself.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for.

You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him and only waiting.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

[He was] a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

[The Bible] has noble poetry in it ... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.