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Rita Rudner


  • Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

  • I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

  • I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

  • I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  • I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

  • In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

  • Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

  • Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

  • My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

  • My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

  • My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

  • My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

  • Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, Look, it's always gonna be me!

  • To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

  • When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

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