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| Robert Heinlein
"All's fair in love and war" what a contemptible lie!"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates. "God split himself into a myriad parts that he might have friends." This may not be true, but it sounds good and is no sillier than any other theology. "I CaME, I SaW, SHE CONQUERED." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.) $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it will be worth nothing. A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased he hates all creative people equally.A brute kills for pleasure. a fool kills from hate.A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. A generation which ignores history has no past and no future. A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. after a while he realizes that she is beautiful he just hadn't noticed it at first. A motion to adjourn is always in order. A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. A practical joker deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank." A society that gets rid of all its troublemakers goes downhill. A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an "intellectual" find out how he feels about astrology. A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dreamworld. A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. The may be the purpose of the universe. All cats are not gray after midnight. Endless variety All men are created unequal. Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it. Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it. Always store beer in a dark place. Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not. An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life. An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications. And another in a family argument, if it turns out you are right apologize at once! And still another See to it that she has her own desk then keep your hands off it! Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. Another ingredient for a happy marriage: budget the luxuries first! Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. Anyone who can worship a trinity and insist that his religion is a monotheism can believe anything ... just give him time to rationalize it. Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. at best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house. Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Anything you get free costs more than it's worth but you don't find it out until later. Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over again, too. Who decides? Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry. N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead! Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No resemblance Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as being at least a misdemeanor. Beware of altruism. It is based on self deception, the root of all evil. By cultivating the beautiful we scatter the seeds of heavenly flowers, as by doing good we cultivate those that belong to humanity. By the data to date, there is only one animal in the Galaxy dangerous to man man himself. So he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has no enemy to help him. Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. Courage is the complement of fear. a man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.) Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. at other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with your past mistakes. The happiest way to deal with a man is never to tell him anything he does not need to know. Delusions are often functional. a mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed something. Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. Does history record any case in which the majority was right? Don't ever become a pessimist ... a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events. Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy. Don't store garlic near other victuals. Don't try to have the last word. You might get it. Everybody lies about sex. Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks. Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done. One could write a history of science in reverse by assembling the solemn pronouncements of highest authority about what could not be done and could never happen. Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so. Faith strikes me as intellectual laziness. For me, politeness is a sine qua non of civilization. Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers. Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect. Have you noticed how much they look like orchids? Lovely! I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. I don't see how an article of clothing can be indecent. a person, yes. I never learned from a man who agreed with me. If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least ten thousand to one. If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion. It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another but which one? Differences are crucial. If tempted by something that feels "altruistic," examine your motives and root out that self- deception. Then, if you still want to do it, wallow in it! If the universe has any purpose more important than topping a woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I've never heard of it. If you disturb the patient at such times, he may break into tears or become violent. and, if you shake him, he bites. If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people. If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who can do creative work, never force an idea; you'll abort it if you do. Be patient and you'll give birth to it when the time is ripe. Learn to wait. In a mature society, "civil servant" is semantically equal to "civil master." In handling a stinging insect, move very slowly. It is better to copulate than never. It is impossible for a man to love his wife wholeheartedly without loving all women somewhat. I suppose that the converse must be true of women. It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. and usually easier. It's an indulgence to sit in a room and discuss your beliefs as if they were a juicy piece of gossip. Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibility of wrongdoing and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's lonely. May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live. Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking. Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. Minimize your therbligs until it becomes automatic; this doubles your effective lifetime and thereby gives you time to enjoy butterflies and kittens and rainbows. Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. Money is the sincerest of all flattery. Women love to be flattered. So do men. Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters. Natural laws have no pity. Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you. Never insult anyone by accident. Never try to outstubborn a cat. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority. Nothing gives you more zest than running for your life. Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place. Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you if you don't play, you can't win. One could write a history of science in reverse by assembling the solemn pronouncements of highest authority about what could not be done and could never happen. One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word. One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others. Only a sadistic scoundrel or a fool tells the bald truth on social occasions. Peace is an extension of war by political means. Plenty of elbowroom is pleasanter and much safer. People who go broke in a big way never miss any meals. It is the poor jerk who is shy a half slug who must tighten his belt. Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something. Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary. Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. all other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful just stupid.) Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage: Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity. Take care of the cojones and the frijoles will take care of themselves. Try to have getaway money but don't be fanatic about it. Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. The biscuits and the syrup never come out even. The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. The first time I was a drill instructor I was too inexperienced for the job the things I taught those lads must have got some of them killed. War is too serious a matter to be taught by the inexperienced. The greatest productive force is human selfishness. The more you love, the more you can love and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just. The second most preposterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful. The shamans are forever yacking about their snake-oil "miracles." I prefer the Real McCoy a pregnant woman. The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive. The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. and vice versa. Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything. There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it? There is no such thing as "social gambling." Either you are there to cut the other bloke's heart out and eat it or you're a sucker. If you don't like this choice don't gamble. There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him. There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday. Thou shalt remember the Eleventh Commandment and keep it Wholly. Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills. To be "matter of fact" about the world is to blunder into fantasy and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful. To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. When the fox gnaws smile! When the need arises and it does you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm it out that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse. When the ship lifts, all bills are paid. No regrets. Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it. Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting. You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once. You live and learn. Or you don't live long. Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate and quickly. |
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