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Current counts: Authors: 8,146. Quotations: 38,970
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| Tommy Cooper
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'. I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already! It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. My wife had a go at me last night. She said, You'll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds. So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.' So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift? I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' |
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