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| Will Rogers
A diplomat tells you what he don't believe himself, and the man he's tellin' it to don't believe him, so it balances. Diplomats meet and eat, then rush out and wire their Government they've completely fooled the other fella. A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation. Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there. America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few. An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's. An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate? Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth. Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie," until you can find a rock.Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.Even if your on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. I bet you if I had met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like. I don't care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling, then the world will have peace. I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf will. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you can get so sore at yourself that you forget to hate your enemies. I have Indian Blood in me. I have just enough white blood for you to question my honesty! I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times. I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. I'm just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have geen eating pretty regular and the reason I have is because I have stayed an old country boy. I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you. It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts. It's one of the most progressive cities in the world. Shooting is only a sideline. Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer. My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they met 'em at the boat. My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood. My own mother died when I was 10 years old. My folks have told me that what little humor I have comes from her. I can't remember her humor, but I can remember her love and understanding of me. Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous. Never let yesterday use up too much of today. Nobody wants to be called common people, especially common people. Nothing you can't spell will ever work. Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs. Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln. On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials. Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. Politics is applesauce. Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking. The best way out of a difficulty is through it. The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it. The income tax has made liars out of more americans than golf. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living. The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die. We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can. We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. Well, all I know is what I read in the papers. When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur. When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states. Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself. Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth. You can't say civilization won't advance ... for in every war they kill you a new way. You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is. |
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